notes app runoff

winter looms

02.19.26

taking the trash out to bon iver.

01.12.26

my dad texts “he has died.” and there’s a strange gurgling coming from my bathroom and i can’t decide which show to watch and i just got a notification that the MTA only charged me $2 instead of $3 do you think that means they’ll charge me $4 tomorrow to make up the difference and there are a few stray tears on my face not because my bastard of a grandfather had passed but because his whole existence is like an oil spill in the greater waters of my life and it’s nice that things are shinier because of it i guess but it makes it harder for the birds don’t we think the birds should have it easier i mean i should’ve known shit was off when i sat by the river today and the seagulls kept circling until the water gave the ledge one wet smack and i thought that was my cue to go back to an office to be ignored to be forced to tend to someone else’s disaster.

02.22.26

in the middle of a blizzard-induced fleabag rewatch. part of the way through season 1 episode 4, the silent retreat, i jot down: do you think my brother has ever wanted a different little sister

five days later i shout this question in my friend kay’s ear on the dancefloor. they recoil, shake their head in understanding, might even say “woof.” we dance on.

02.25.26

checked my bank account on the toilet at work today and did the mental math. how to fulfill all of one’s obligations and still break even. i’ve already started spending my next paycheck like the body wash bottle hasn’t been standing upside down in my shower for over a week. all of these different modes of discipline are closing in on me all the time i almost think i’m addicted to it. my pre-packed gym bag looks at me, waiting for morning when i’ll simulate rowing through a river on a machine tucked upstairs on atlantic avenue listening to future.

02.13.26

told my coworker i’m getting a tattoo of a horse on my back and she goes, “oh yes, a promise to the future and the past.”

02.28.26

sitting on the park bench, first warm day in a while, a pair of people pass me and one says “it was a really friendly mugging he just wasn’t good enough. i hope he hones his craft.”

and later 02.28.26

i’m in the club with a thousand yard stare plastered on my face, holding my beer close to my chest, nothing really on my mind but the occasional reminder to “act more natural” that passes through every so often like the light from a lighthouse. sometimes you’re just too far out.

i should send my mom a link to the shoes i’m thinking of buying and see what she thinks. i need to get better at asking people for things and i toy with the idea of returning to therapy. there’s a plane ticket home to buy and a sudden need for a proper duffel bag and i’ve been out of my perfume for a few months and before long i’ll need to get my roots redone so a shrink will have to wait. maybe instead of pointing to a list of recent professional accomplishments i’ll just tell my boss i’d like a raise because “i should probably talk to someone about what’s happened and is happening to me.” my friends shake their heads at me across the dinner table and say i’m the “strongest soldier” and i can’t bring myself to acknowledge that i no longer see a future stretching out in front of me.

01.18.26

i put “old sorrow blows in” on my notes app, no source attributed.